The Heist

Luigi Confuciusson, son of Confucius, son of Vrrolf of the Red Beard who was begotten by Mikoto and L'Shawn Harimoto, children of His Royal Highness Steven Spielberg, stared intently at the metal box to his left.  The box was intricately designed.  Padlocks surrounded it, creating a nine layered lock.  Laser beams gridded the padlocks, making a barrier so impenetrable that not even a fruit fly could get through.  Metal spikes covered in acid floated along the laser beams threatening to slaughter any hand that so much as approached the treasure inside the box.  The protection of God himself hovered over the spikes ready to smite sinners with holy power.  Luigi whistled in awe.  Now this was a challenge!

Luigi cracked his knuckles, getting ready for his last job.  This was it.  The big one.  If he pulled this off, he would go down in history as the most successful thief to ever grace the face of the planet.  He locked the door so that he could work in utmost privacy, and sat down to get a closer look at the impenetrable fortress awaiting his challenge.  Wiggling his fingers, he slowly approached the box.  As he got nearer, he stopped thinking about it and let his instincts take over.  The first opponent was God, whom Luigi deftly defeated in thumb wrestling and finger jousting, before poking him in the eyes and tossing him into the Baltic Sea.  As Luigi was instinctively doing this, he remembered the first years of his quest.

There wasn't much security back then, back in 1945.  Usually all people used were wooden boxes or even nothing.  The first time had been easy, on a whim.  He had just needed something, so he took it.  But it soon grew into a habit.  All around the world wooden boxes were being invaded, and nobody knew how it was happening.  They soon wised up though and added metal locks and metal boxes to protect their goods.  But Luigi was ready for them.  He began bringing lock picks and crowbars to complete the job and once again terrorized the world.  Nobody could stop him and his nimble fingers.  By that point though, it was 1979, and plastics were starting to become popular. Malleable plastic boxes began to pop up in Luigi's conquests, although it was mostly only rich places who had them.  Luigi usually only targeted rich places though, because they were more of a challenge.  So he rose to that challenge as well.  By 2005, metal locks were obsolete.  They were using electronics and computers to defeat him, but Luigi refused to be defeated.  But now it was 2010, and this was the biggest mark he had ever seen.

As Luigi finished his thoughts, he became reaware of his situation.  All of the defenses had been stripped away, leaving only the metal box, with the prize sitting visibly inside.  Luigi shifted on the toilet that he was sitting on, and in extreme excitement grabbed at the toilet paper hanging loosely in the box.  This was the final roll.  He had stolen toilet paper from bathrooms around the world, never once losing to the locks or defenses that stores put up to beat him.  And he just had to reach out and take this one.  So he reached.  But he didn't take.  God reappeared in a flurry of snow and gunshots and jaguars to smash Luigi's hand and turn the toilet paper holder into an unbreakable encasement of unobtanium before vanishing in a flash of light.  It was over for Luigi Confuciusson.

Certainly he tried, grunting and pulling on the box for hours as customers of the Macy's knocked on the door impatiently.  But with his broken hand he couldn't do anything.  So he collapsed on the ground crying.  He had never lost, until his retirement run, his swan song.  And now he was ultimately and definitively defeated.  He couldn't do anything.  And then his mind snapped.  Committing the greatest sin, Luigi rage quit and just grabbed the toilet paper and pulled it all off of its roll, throwing it all over the stall.  He had lost, and he knew it.  He ran home to his toilet paper fortress, and laying down inside of it burned it all.  And thus died Luigi Confuciusson, son of Confucius, son of Vrrolf of the Red Beard who was begotten by Mikoto and L'Shawn Harimoto, the children of His Royal Highness Steven Spielberg.