There I was hovering, scanning the area for prey, when a sudden movement caught my eye. My eyes tracking the movement, I swiveled my head around, locking on to the small object that was diving past me. I bent my head, folded my arms into my body, and then dove down after it. Down I sped, the air whistling through my eyelashes, my cheeks flopping around in the turbulent air. Slowly I built up speed until my target was just within reach, just barely grabbable. I un-tucked my right arm from my side and pushed it through the rushing air, reaching out for the object. One by one I unclenched my fingers, grunting with the effort. With my hand fully open, I lunged downwards, grabbing the falling hamburger and firmly tucking it back into my body. I tumbled down through the air, gradually slowing down, until I came skidding to a halt 5,000 feet above the Atlantic Ocean. I stood there, in the sky, chewing slowly on the food that had fallen from a passing airplane, striking a heroic pose, and feeling pretty cool.
Oh! I haven't told you have I? Well, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a little bit different from most people. Yeah dudes, thats right, I can fly. And it's not just floating through the air flying, it's high speed, high maneuverability supersonic flight! I gotta say that it has made my life difficult at times, to know that I'm better than other people, to know that I am superior. But I also have to admit that it is freaking awesome. Up in the sky, nothing gets in my way. I can do whatever I want. Yeah, I guess I could use my "powers" to help people out, like some kind of super hero, but I'm just a kid! Hell, I don't even know if I believe in justice. Anyways! You've probably gotten the picture by now, so we'll return to the main narrative.
I finished off that hamburger in the time it takes Team Rocket to lose a fight. Which is to say, pretty fast. Speaking of Team Rocket, I can't tell you how many times I've seen them flying past me. They're pretty chill guys, I have to say. But, back to the story again. We'll switch this into the present tense just for kicks. So there I am, standing in the sky like a G6, when I see a venti sized Coca-Cola falling over the coasts of Washington D.C. Well, I know that you gotta have Coke when you have a Big Mac, so I zoom over there and snatch it before it falls on the head of our President, Barrack Obama. Before I leave, he gives me a medal of honor. I guess I do believe in justice after all. So I now have a medal of honor, an almost digested Big Mac, and a Coke. The question is what to do with it all. What I do is chug that Coke, throw the cup out into the ocean, dilution is the solution yeah?, and just for fun, I start flying across the continent.
I'm gonna take a break to answer some questions you guys might have. Probably the first thing that popped into your mind was, how is this crazy bastard going to urinate when he's flying over continental US? Well, let me tell you, that scared me at first. I was not gonna expose myself in the middle of the air, and I was not gonna risk my bodily fluids landing on some poor sucker's head. I may not totally believe in justice, but that just isn't right! But thats why I'm special. I can fly. So I just fly up to the top of the stratosphere, making sure to wear goggles and ear plugs so I don't explode from the pressure, unzip my pants, and let loose! I'd guess the second question you noobs had, is, how does that help? Well, since I'm feeling so cool today, I'll tell you. It's the pressure. You get it? Since its so high up, the atmosphere is ridiculously thin, reducing the boiling point of liquids. Yeah, I learned this in my chemistry class. But it's helping a ton! So, the boiling point is low. Now I ask you this, rhetorically. Where is piss stored? In the body. So its got a low boiling point, and its already warm. So when its released into the outside world? Well it just evaporates. The only danger is that a passing satellite snaps a photo of me, but thats a risk I'm willing to take. Wow. It looks like I've used up all my time here, so I'll see you next time. Toodles, mon peeps.
what a great hilarious character. :)
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